I have never been with a man on Viagra or any other erection enhancing drug, though I have been with a few men who were possible candidates. And yes the experiences were frustrating, but more so because of their reactions to not being able to "rise to the occasion".

Many of these men were hellbent on getting it up  and keeping the focus on intercourse. God forbid, we do something else instead. According to a study, I recently came across this isn't at all unusual. Researchers in New Zealand looked at the effects of Viagra on female partners and called it The Downside of Viagra: Women's Experiences and Concerns. 

Yes, Viagra has a downside.

Erection drugs are used by men, but affect both men and women. After all, nobody spends that much money to get a chemically induced hard-on and then wastes it on their right hand.The study found that women were often profoundly affected by their partner's use of ED drugs but weren't included very often in the decision making process. The general assumption being that if it's up, it must be all good, right? Most Viagra ads always have couples looking so happy -- so free of the anxiety of limp body parts that refuse to comply with their owner's intentions.

As the researchers pointed out, these drugs are often assumed to be great for both men and women, because they make it possible to have "real" sex. Most men are raised with the idea that hard dicks are the epitome of masculinity, and if the flagpole doesn't rise, then he isn't a man anymore. And what woman is going to want him now? I think a lot of men with this issue worry that a limp dick will kill their woman's sexual interest. Because, after all, a hard dick is essential to a woman's sexual satisfaction, right?

Wrong.

Make no mistake, most women enjoy hard dicks, though few of us are orgasmic from just a man's penis. And some women are deeply troubled by their mate's inability to get it up. Sometimes, they miss the experience of intercourse. And sometimes they just worry that his ED  is about her not being desirable enough, or not being desired anymore. But given the fact that most females aren't orgasmic during intercourse,  it is usually more of a bummer for a man than for a woman. I agree with ED Coach Paul Nelson "men love penises far more than women do." 

Indeed, in the New Zealand study one of the women's biggest complaints was the increased frequency of intercourse once their mates started on ED meds. Viagra isn't cheap, and in an effort to get their money's worth, many men pushed for more sex than what their lovers were used to or wanted. Many of the study's participants were older women (mean age 53), and as women age and the hormones drop, the vagina becoming less elastic and thinner. More intercourse often meant more pain and discomfort for these women -- not more Os. According to one 51-year-old woman, it felt more like a performance than mutual enjoyment:

He’d kill me for saying this, but I guess . . . the [drawback] that I notice is that, say if he takes a tablet at night before we go to bed or something then . . . we might have intercourse that night, then sometimes in the morning . . . and then if it doesn’t necessarily appeal to me I think oh no,we’re – [laughs] he’s going to try again, so that you get the two for one if you like [laughs]. Get in two for the price of one. But so I guess in some ways that could be a drawback . . . so I sometimes feel pressure that I then need to perform again in the morning

I have heard this same complaint from friends that I have had. One girlfriend of mine had a husband with severe ED; she found their marathon, pharmaceutically induced fuck sessions exhausting and uncomfortable. It didn't help that he didn't know what to do with his equipment once it was up, and she felt he should just know without her having to say anything. Naturally, this isn't the best strategy for a sizzling sex life, and they later divorced. 

Some women in the study complained that once Viagra entered the picture "foreplay" (i.e., sex for women) went out the window. Naturally, this further reduced female sexual arousal and led to more dissatisfaction and discomfort. Plus, some women were perfectly happy not to have penetrative sex and felt pressured to have intercourse when they really didn't want to. A big part of our culture myth, and a huge part of the popularity of drugs like Viagra, is the idea that the only "real" form of sex is intercourse. Nothing else counts. This is the kind of thinking that led our erstwhile president to claim "he did not have sex with that woman". Oh yes, you did Billy boy, you did indeed. We have the blue dress with its presidential stamp of approval to prove it. 

Some of the study's participants reported that the downside of Viagra led (not surprisingly) to more relationship conflict. As one woman one put it: "...usually the reason we have a row is because I’m annoyed that he’s taken the pill without discussing it with me . . . I feel it’s sort of that he’s going behind my back."

There were other sources of conflict as well.  Many women worried that their mate's newly hydraulicized hard-on would lead to extracurricular activites. Fears of infidelity were not uncommon. And in some cases, were highly warranted -- happily rejuvenated males were indeed wooing other lovers. Sometimes this occurred because the drug highlighted sex drive discrepancies between a couple that may have faded from view prior to Viagra. After all, over 30% of women do report problems with sexual interest.

Of course, not everybody using Viagra will experience all of these problems, but some will. Viagra is not necessarily a cure-all for sexual dysfunction. And not all men benefit equally from the drug, which was another troubling issue brought up by the researchers. There are disappointed expectations with this drug, just like anything else. It sends blood to a penis, but it's not going to make a man want to put that penis in a wife he is bored with, or has grown to loathe. It will not fix a bad marriage, a lackluster sex life or, a fucked up life.

 Part of the fable behind modern pharmacology is that everything boils down to biochemistry. If you are depressed, you just lack a proper serotonin balance. If you can't get it up, you just need to send blood to your ornery equipment. We have grown so used to the idea that popping a pill is the answer that this is the first thing many of us think of when we have a problem. It is important to keep these things in perspective. I am not dismissing the fact that drugs can be a major help under the right circumstances, for some people. But they won't cure what isn't working in your life.