I have been enjoying some of the articles and videos at the New School of Erotic Touch. This is a great website that provides specific information on how to pleasure yourself and your partner. Seriously, their videos Fire in the Valley and The Best of Vulva Massage are among the best I have seen on how to manually stimulate a woman's genitals. And they are a rare thing online.

The internet is kind of like a big, virtual Wild West, and much of what you come across has dubious value. There are way too many websites out there purporting to teach THE SECRET TO THE FEMALE ORGASM, or HOW TO MAKE A GIRL CUM IN THREE EASY STEPS  -- all claiming that if you just follow said paint-by-numbers approach, you (or your partner) will cum your face off.  Sadly, this isn't the case.

So, I decided to come up with my own points for clitoral play. These pointers are mainly for performing clitoral stimulation on a partner, but they work for solo sex as well.

1. Sorry, there is no secret formula. What floats my boat may not float Susie's down the street.   There isn't one specific skill or technique that will work for every woman. Women are not cars; so, there are no manuals that will teach you Pussy 101 in three easy steps. You will have to get over your lock jaw and ask some pertinent questions. Such as "How would you like to be touched?" Be prepared to seek feedback. And women, you should be willing and able to provide it (i.e., do some hands-on exploration of your own terrain).

With that being said, the goal of clitoral stimulation should be about pleasuring your partner, not getting her off so you can feel like a stud or studette. Many women are not easily orgasmic when they are not in the driver's seat, which is one of the reasons that women climax more often from masturbation. Don't be offended if she needs to do her own stimulation or use a vibe.

2. Most of the time you will want to include some lubricant. In some cases, thanks to scintillating personal charm, good hands, or a talented tongue the woman in question may produce her own. But don't count on it.  Particularly, if you are over forty. Use a good water based lube around the external genitals as a buffer for those 8,000 plus nerve endings.

3. Stimulating the clitoris does not mean touching the glans directly. Most women rub around the clitoris. I have never liked to have the clitoris touched directly. I find the most erotic spot is above the clitoris on the right side. Many women enjoy stimulating the shaft rather than the head of the clitoris. Check out 3D Vulva to understand the various parts of the clitoris. But to reiterate my point, there are women who do like direct clitoral stimulation -- once again, it's about asking.

4. I think learning to play the clitoris is like learning a musical instrument. It's about repetition and rhythm. While variety is the spice of life, you have to be able to repeat the same pattern with some variation. I think a lot of people either are too repetitive, or they vary the stimulation way too much. It is about finding a balance, and it involves asking questions about what is working and what isn't for that particular person.

5. With all the yammering on about the G spot there hasn't been a lot of consideration for the other erotic spots on the external female genitals. Rubbing along the sides of the vulva feels divine because it stimulates the crura (the legs of the clitoris). The clitoris is a far larger organ that most people think, and much of its erectile tissue extends inside the body and surrounds the vagina.

So, stroke the perineum (the taint) and pull the vaginal lips. There's tons of nerve endings in the labia (which is sadly considered disposable window dressing by women seeking labiaplasty). Get creative, trying licking, taping, pulling, tugging, rubbing and vibrating. Odds on, she will find something that floats her boat.

6. I would never recommend any kind of vaginal or anal stimulation unless a woman has been aroused by clitoral play first. And then I wouldn't recommend stopping clitoral stimulation unless she has orgasmed. For many women, arousal will drop if the clitoris is taken out of the equation. So, that means that some form of clitoral stimulation should continue during intercourse -- unless she is vaginally orgasmic (only 30% of women are).

7. I think for many women developing an erotic fantasy life is necessary for orgasmic sex. Recently, I suggested to a friend who wasn't that familiar with erotica the classic Delta of Venus by Anais Nin. She is still thanking me weeks later. My friend is in her 60s, and she and her boyfriend (also in his 60s) had some extremely HOT sex. A very sexy read. Female friendly porn like Candida Royalle and Tony Comstock is also a good idea to learn what turns you on. If you are more conservative, you could try the old female standby the romance novel.


  1. Fond Care on February 5, 2012 at 9:35 PM

    Thanks for this Lilith. The 3Dvulva site you alluded to has page on finding the clitoris that I found clarified an issue I had come across before. Most of the discussion on what the clitoris looks like focuses, naturally, on the 90% or so whose hood can be pulled back to make the glans visible. However, and the page mentions it, some clitori are hidden by a larger, longer hood, and this can be quite confusing for a novice like myself. As the article says, the function of the clitoris is only rarely affected by this layout (one of diverse nature's many layouts), but it does once again emphasise how necessary it is for a woman to know what stimulates her, and for her and her partner to be prepared to learn how she likes it.

  2. Lilith on February 6, 2012 at 8:25 PM

    Hi Fond Care,

    Thanks for commenting. There is definitely a variation among women in terms of how their equipment is arranged. I do think it is important to understand that women usually don't want direct clitoral stimulation right on the glans. Rub around the clitoris. It might help to use the whole hand or a few fingers.

Related Posts with Thumbnails

About Me

About Me
Hi, I am a single, graduate student who is finishing up her doctoral dissertation on the subject of female sexual dysfunction (FSD) and sexual satisfaction.

Read my full bio...


Blog Archive