I think many people have the impression that this is just the way things are - a fact of nature. That somehow, we females, because our orgasms are supposedly not needed for reproduction just got the short end of the stick. According to this view, we're just lucky we get off at all since the female orgasm is an evolutionary bonus point (kind of like men's nipples).
This, incidentally, is a debatable idea. Some scientist's believe that men's orgasms are not really needed for reproduction either. All that is really necessary is ejaculation, which as any tantric practitioner can tell you can be separated from orgasm. Our species just hit the orgasmic jackpot.
Let's put the "elusive female orgasm" in perspective for a moment. Yes, it is true that many women don't come. There are women, sad to say, who have spent their entire lives living in "frigid darkness" as Pulitzer Prize winning writer Natalie Angier once put it. Her own mother was one of them until the age of 30 when she discovered the "sacred herb" (i.e., marijuana). Yeah, Mary Jane brought the "lights of Broadway" to her mother's "frigid darkness".
At least she found something that works, there are women who never do. Some studies have found that as many as 60% of women are not thrilled by how often the earth moves. So what gives here?
Well, it is important to realize that much of the time this problem is limited to partner sex, usually with a male
partner (lesbians have a higher rate of orgasm).Women are twice as likely to climax during masturbation than partnered sex. And women who masturbate more often are orgasmic from 80 to 96% of the time - depending on who you read (statistics are like assholes every one's got one). The ones I just quoted are from National Health and Social Life Study and The Hite Report respectively.
Masturbation Style
There are two reasons for this problem. One is the fact that we continue to define sex by an act (intercourse) that women don't usually come from. Most women need some form of direct clitoral stimulation to climax. Only about 15 to 35% of women orgasm from intercourse alone, according to Elizabeth Lloyd author of the The Case of the Female Orgasm: Bias in the Science of Evolution.
The fact that a lot of women need clitoral stimulation is fairly well known. However, then there is the kicker that isn't as well understood. That even with clitoral stimulation from a partner, some women still have problems.
A Dutch researcher found in one study that masturbation style was one reason for the difference between women's rate of orgasm during solo and partner sex. She said that women could be lumped into one of two masturbation styles: pelvic active or pelvic passive.
Pelvic passive masturbators (the most common group) stimulate themselves by rubbing something against their clitoris- their hand, a vibrator, the family dog. Whatever. They generally don't move very much. Pelvic active masturbators come in a totally different fashion. They rub their pelvises against something like a pillow, a stuffed toy, a Kenmore on spin cycle, etc. The point is, they orgasm by moving the entire body and especially the pelvis.
Once pelvic active masturbators are in the bedroom with a typical male they run into some real problems. Namely, the idea that they are supposed to be "given" an orgasm by the man. That a woman's role is to lie back and be pleasured into oblivion by an all-knowing male sexpert. I call this idea the sleeping Beauty ideal, and it is a big part of heterosexual sex.
I also believe it is one of the major roadblocks to female fulfillment - and one that men don't have to contend with. Most men orgasm during sex from their own movements. Their partners don't "give" them anything, other than consent. But women are supposed to be passive recipients.
Women are more orgasmic alone because they have some control of the sexual stimulation. And they can use what works best for them. Even pelvic passive masturbators don't always climax easily from someone else's stimulation.
One major difference between men and women is that women are more likely to develop certain routine habits that become a part of how they experience orgasm, and without these habits orgasm may not occur. Shere Hite found that some women in her study were unable to orgasm unless they were in a certain position with their arms or legs arranged a certain way.
This isn't exactly the same thing as having a hard time coming. A woman who never comes alone from a partner's novel stimulation might climax in 3 minutes and keep climaxing for 3 hours when she follows her own routine.
Needless to say, that's not an elusive orgasm.
So, the question then becomes: Are women more likely to develop orgasm habits that are harder to change than men? Do we not do as well as men with novel stimulation? Frankly, I don't know the answer. I don't if anyone else does either. But they are interesting ideas. And they make evolutionary sense. Women are usually more orgasmic with certain partners. Usually, men who are better genetic material and who make "fitter" offspring.
And research has found that if a woman climaxes immediately after her partner, her orgasmic contractions suck more of his semen into her uterus, and she is more likely to get pregnant. This has been called the "upsuck effect", a controversial theory.
So, if it is to women's evolutionary advantage to be picker than men, it would make sense that we would be more orgasmic under certain conditions, and that we might have evolved more stringent requirements for sexual stimulation than men.
For most women incorporating how they masturbate is a key component to being orgasmic with a partner. Unless, you are that rare creature who is vaginally orgasmic - we're talking the clitoris here. I also believe that this doesn't just mean "asking" for what you want but actively stimulating your own clitoris during partner sex. Something that has traditionally not been socially acceptable for women. Though the same can't be said for men. Intercourse could be defined as socially sanctioned male masturbation in a female's vagina.
Women need to take responsible for their own satisfaction. I think the Dutch study makes it clear that Sleeping Beauty ain't getting off, folks. Waiting around hoping the Prince hits the right spot isn't working. Being dependent on a partner's stimulation for an orgasm puts a woman in a one down situation where her satisfaction is contingent on her partner's good will and sexual skills. Something she has no control over. It adds an extra roadblock that doesn't need to be there. And stops some women, like the pelvic active masturbators, dead in their tracks.
The tragedy of heterosexual sex is that our social rules set women up for sexual failure. We expect women to be passive in bed with male partners who know little to nothing about how to please them (and who are reluctant to ask because they might appear less studly) and then we wonder why women don't come like gangbusters. So, we decide that women aren't very sexual or are dysfunctional when in reality our sexual model just doesn't work very well.
Plus, talking abut what you want doesn't always work. Let's not ignore the fact that the Sleeping Beauties these guys are in bed with can't really provide much guidance because they either don't know what works for them, or they don't feel comfortable saying (admitting that the only thing that has ever gotten you off is your favorite stuffed toy you've had since you were five isn't that easy to do).
Women don't come very often because our sexual model is too limited. Women have a far greater repertoire of masturbation techniques than men, but this fact is seldom incorporated into sex with a partner.
Its time we expanded the menu beyond the hand, the mouth, or the dick. There is no reason why a woman who masturbates by squeezing her inner thigh muscles together can't do that with a partner. It just means thinking outside the box and getting rid of the idea that sex has to be a certain way. Whatever works for you-
use - without apology. There is no right way to experience pleasure.
It's time we woke Sleeping Beauty from her sexual coma.
Technorati Tags: love, orgasm, politics, relationships, sex
Posts
Post a Comment