For Women: How You Can Help Your Partner with Erection Problems

dr.block

Hi all, I would like to introduce a new addition to Lilith Land. I am pleased to have Dr. Joel Block as our guest blogger this week.

Dr. Block is an award winning, board certified psychologist and sex therapist based in Long Island. He is the author of numerous books and articles related to relationships and human sexuality including: The Marriage-Work Connection, Broken Promises, Mended Hearts, and Sex Comes First. He has written a new ebook on erectile dysfunction called Mind Over ED. Here is an article he has written on erectile dysfunction with some tips to help women deal with their partner's ED.  

- Lilith 

By Dr. Joel Block PhD

Don’t take your erections or your potency for granted is the message men need to hear around their fortieth birthday, ” says Gene who recently celebrated his fiftieth birthday. He began to have some erectile difficulties about a decade ago.

“I wasn’t getting hard enough often enough and I wasn’t staying hard enough,” he says succinctly. “

erectile dysfunction

I knew that some change was inevitable, but I was experiencing too much change. I had the sexual responses of a man 20 years my senior."

“At about the same time I developed erection problems, my doctor told me I had mild hypertension. He said I had two choices: Go on medication: or lose 20 pounds, start exercising regularly, make some dietary changes, and stop smoking. Initially I took the easy way out. I went for the pills. The erection situation got a little worse. My wife was unhappy, and so was I."

“One night we had a big argument that ended with her crying and accusing me of cheating her out of a sex life. She said my potbelly wasn’t attractive. That hurt. She also said she was worried about me. Would I cut my life short the same way I’d cut our sex life short? The next day I ordered a treadmill. It wasn’t easy to make all the changes I had to make, and I backpedaled a few times in the early months. But I lost the weight, quit smoking, and generally cleaned up my act." 

“The erection situation improved a great deal. I’ll never get as rock hard as I did when I was twenty, but, on the other hand, I have better erections at 50 than I was getting at 40. I’ve also learned how to be a better lover. When I look at some of my friends who are overweight, smoking, and popping pills for hypertension, I know they aren’t getting erections. I’d like to talk to them about it, but that’s not the kind of thing men do.”

A healthier lifestyle will most likely lead to healthier erections, but any man can expect to lose an erection during lovemaking on occasion. If he doesn’t let that bother him, he’ll likely get it back. The worst thing you can do about a subsiding erection is focus on it. 

For women if your partner is experiencing ED, whether physical or emotional in origin, you can respond in a way that will increase his chances of regaining or obtaining an erection. Here are some tips:

1. If he loses an erection during lovemaking, let it go. Unless he requests or indicates by his behavior that he wants you to perform fellatio or manually stimulate his penis to try to bring the erection back— don't. Focusing on his limp penis probably won't help and may hurt by intensifying his performance anxiety. Hold him. Kiss and stroke him, but ignore his penis. You don't have to prove your desirability by bringing his penis back to erotic life.

2. Ask for oral sex or manual stimulation. Such a request will take the focus off his penis and give him the  opportunity to feel like a good lover. Be responsive to his ministrations. A woman's arousal is very arousing to a man. It's possible that he'll regain his erection by losing himself in your excitement.

3. Don't be solicitous. Show your understanding by not fussing over him. If he's feeling inadequate, don't tell him his lack of erection isn't important. A man who has been sexually humiliated doesn't want his wife saying, "Don't worry, darling, it doesn't matter."

4. Don't blame yourself. And don't let him blame you. Even if his ED is rooted in relationship conflict, you are not the cause of the problem. Sex is a cooperative effort. So is relating. After an erectile failure, however, is not the right time to analyze your relationship. If all else fails, direct your man to a competent ED wellness program like the one found at

www.MindoverED.com

Was Marilyn Gay?

marilyn and liz

Marilyn Monroe was a legend, an iconic beauty, and a lesbian? That's the word on the street anyway. Marilyn has been dead for almost 50 years, and she is still making headlines. The fiftieth anniversary of her death is coming up on August 5th. And there have been some new biographies to commemorate the event. One book, Marilyn Monroe: Private And Undisclosed, by Michelle Morgan asserts that many of the blonde beauty's problems stemmed from the fact that she was a closet lesbian.

According to Morgan, Marilyn had affairs with numerous Hollywood stars -- everyone from Marlene Dietrich to, get this, a onetime hook up with Elizabeth Taylor (I'm sure some of you would love to have been a fly on the wall when that tryst was going on...). And she also bedded her female acting coach. 

The author interviewed actress Celeste Holm who said that Marilyn's endometriosis (which can cause sexual pain, in some cases) made it difficult to enjoy intercourse with a man. In general, it was alleged that she preferred her own sex. 

I don't know whether Marilyn was gay or not. Some of the new books argue that Marilyn may have been tortured by that question. But sexual identity tends to be far more fluid in women than in men. One of my best friends is a fairly set-in-her-preferences lesbian, but even she started out her sexual life with a man. Some women start out straight, go gay, and go back straight again (ala Julie Cypher, Melissa Etheridge's ex) and vice versa. 

 Marilyn may have been gay, or, like a lot of other women, she may have regarded the gender of her lover  as less important than who he or she was as a person. I think it is hard to make blanket statements about sexuality -- particularly female sexuality. I can certainly understand her confusion over the issue though, given the era and her status as a heterosexual love goddess. 

I found this video on other historical figures who were alleged to have been gay, and I agree with the ending tagline: it's not about who you sleep with, but what you do. 

Famous Gays and  sexual history.

Limp Dicks, Viagra, and Female Satisfaction: Any Connection?

viagra

I have never been with a man on Viagra or any other erection enhancing drug, though I have been with a few men who were possible candidates. And yes the experiences were frustrating, but more so because of their reactions to not being able to "rise to the occasion".

Many of these men were hellbent on getting it up  and keeping the focus on intercourse. God forbid, we do something else instead. According to a study, I recently came across this isn't at all unusual. Researchers in New Zealand looked at the effects of Viagra on female partners and called it The Downside of Viagra: Women's Experiences and Concerns. 

Yes, Viagra has a downside.

Erection drugs are used by men, but affect both men and women. After all, nobody spends that much money to get a chemically induced hard-on and then wastes it on their right hand.The study found that women were often profoundly affected by their partner's use of ED drugs but weren't included very often in the decision making process. The general assumption being that if it's up, it must be all good, right? Most Viagra ads always have couples looking so happy -- so free of the anxiety of limp body parts that refuse to comply with their owner's intentions.

As the researchers pointed out, these drugs are often assumed to be great for both men and women, because they make it possible to have "real" sex. Most men are raised with the idea that hard dicks are the epitome of masculinity, and if the flagpole doesn't rise, then he isn't a man anymore. And what woman is going to want him now? I think a lot of men with this issue worry that a limp dick will kill their woman's sexual interest. Because, after all, a hard dick is essential to a woman's sexual satisfaction, right?

Wrong.

Make no mistake, most women enjoy hard dicks, though few of us are orgasmic from just a man's penis. And some women are deeply troubled by their mate's inability to get it up. Sometimes, they miss the experience of intercourse. And sometimes they just worry that his ED  is about her not being desirable enough, or not being desired anymore. But given the fact that most females aren't orgasmic during intercourse,  it is usually more of a bummer for a man than for a woman. I agree with ED Coach Paul Nelson "men love penises far more than women do."

Indeed, in the New Zealand study one of the women's biggest complaints was the increased frequency of intercourse once their mates started on ED meds. Viagra isn't cheap, and in an effort to get their money's worth, many men pushed for more sex than what their lovers were used to or wanted. Many of the study's participants were older women (mean age 53), and as women age and the hormones drop, the vagina becoming less elastic and thinner. More intercourse often meant more pain and discomfort for these women -- not more Os. According to one 51-year-old woman, it felt more like a performance than mutual enjoyment:

He’d kill me for saying this, but I guess . . . the [drawback] that I notice is that, say if he takes a tablet at night before we go to bed or something then . . . we might have intercourse that night, then sometimes in the morning . . . and then if it doesn’t necessarily appeal to me I think oh no,we’re – [laughs] he’s going to try again, so that you get the two for one if you like [laughs]. Get in two for the price of one. But so I guess in some ways that could be a drawback . . . so I sometimes feel pressure that I then need to perform again in the morning

I have heard this same complaint from friends that I have had. One girlfriend of mine had a husband with severe ED; she found their marathon, pharmaceutically induced fuck sessions exhausting and uncomfortable.

 It didn't help that he didn't know what to do with his equipment once it was up, and she felt he should just know without her having to say anything. Naturally, this isn't the best strategy for a sizzling sex life, and they later divorced. 

Some women in the study complained that once Viagra entered the picture "foreplay" (i.e., sex for women) went out the window. Naturally, this further reduced female sexual arousal and led to more dissatisfaction and discomfort. Plus, some women were perfectly happy not to have penetrative sex and felt pressured to have intercourse when they really didn't want to. A big part of our culture myth, and a huge part of the popularity of drugs like Viagra, is the idea that the only "real" form of sex is intercourse. Nothing else counts. This is the kind of thinking that led our erstwhile president to claim "he did not have sex with that woman". Oh yes, you did Billy boy, you did indeed. We have the blue dress with its presidential stamp of approval to prove it. 

Some of the study's participants reported that the downside of Viagra led (not surprisingly) to more relationship conflict. As one woman one put it: "...usually the reason we have a row is because I’m annoyed that he’s taken the pill without discussing it with me . . . I feel it’s sort of that he’s going behind my back."

There were other sources of conflict as well.  Many women worried that their mate's newly hydraulicized hard-on would lead to extracurricular activites. Fears of infidelity were not uncommon. And in some cases, were highly warranted -- happily rejuvenated males were indeed wooing other lovers. Sometimes this occurred because the drug highlighted sex drive discrepancies between a couple that may have faded from view prior to Viagra. After all, over 30% of women do report problems with sexual interest.

Of course, not everybody using Viagra will experience all of these problems, but some will. Viagra is not necessarily a cure-all for sexual dysfunction. And not all men benefit equally from the drug, which was another troubling issue brought up by the researchers. There are disappointed expectations with this drug, just like anything else. It sends blood to a penis, but it's not going to make a man want to put that penis in a wife he is bored with, or has grown to loathe. It will not fix a bad marriage, a lackluster sex life or, a fucked up life.

 Part of the fable behind modern pharmacology is that everything boils down to biochemistry. If you are depressed, you just lack a proper serotonin balance. If you can't get it up, you just need to send blood to your ornery equipment. We have grown so used to the idea that popping a pill is the answer that this is the first thing many of us think of when we have a problem. It is important to keep these things in perspective. I am not dismissing the fact that drugs can be a major help under the right circumstances, for some people. But they won't cure what isn't working in your life.

Ernestine Shepherd: Don't F&*k With This Tough Grandma

ernestine shepherd
This woman is amazing! She is in the Guinness Book of World Records as the world's oldest female bodybuilder. This 75 years old grandmother has the body of a someone half her age, or younger. Geez, I don't have her body, and I am in my 40s.

Okay, I have to admit it, I would rather sit on my ass and eat chocolate than exercise. I think my bad habits are starting to show too. In fact, I know they are. But not Ernestine, she got into body building at the age of 56 when trying on a swimsuit for a pool party turned into a ego busting move (isn't it always?!). She started working out and never looked back. She runs 80 miles a week and can bench press 150 pounds. This grandma (and "Rocky" fan) can fuck your shit up. Lol.

She now trains other senior citizens and would love to get her muscular mitts on Michelle Obama (not that our first lady really needs much help). But so far, no dice. "I've been trying to get to that lady. And I can't get to her," she said. "It's so difficult." I loved her statement about how with age you lose the fixation on pleasing others and focus more on doing what works for you."I feel now that I am a very strong, positive and confident woman," she said. "Years ago I concerned myself about what people said concerning me. But when you get 70-something and you don't have that many years in front of you, you don't concern yourself with that."

I guess I need to take a look at her the next time I reach for the salami. After all, we only get one body and it's up to us to take care of it well. A certain amount of illness is preventable, and there is no good reason to pad the pockets of Big Pharma anymore than they already are. 

From the Horse's Mouth: Women Talk About Why They Don't Want to Have Sex

low libido and women

Recently, I came across a very interesting article on why women lose sexual interest -- even in happy relationships. Karen Sims and Marta Meana conducted a qualitative (in-depth interview based) research study on 19 married women  published inThe Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy. There were three main themes that emerged from their data: 1. institutionalization of the relationship, 2. over-familiarity, 3. the problem of de-sexualization. Fancy terms, I know, but what do they mean?

For starters, Sims and Meana agree with the oft-repeated contention that relationship issues are at the heart of women's desire loss. However, not in the way that most people think. The majority of their participants were perfectly happy with their partners -- just not their sex lives. And most of the women mentioned many reasons why their libidos took a hike.

Institutionalization -- Who Wants to Live in an Institution Anyway? 

The first issue that emerged was institutionalization. For many of the women,  marriage itself was something of a snooze factor. Rollicking, bed-breaking premarital sex dwindled, in many cases, to Saturday morning, missionary only encounters hurriedly sandwiched in between Junior's soccer game and Fluffy's deworming. One of the saddest truths about human sexuality is that what is often great for your emotional life (comfort, security, intimacy etc.) may not do your sex life any favors. Many of the women were simply bored by the routine of ever-available (and often unwanted) marital nookie. It was too sanitized and too socially sanctioned. One woman said:

There was a lot of desire when I was dating, excitement. On the flip side, when you’re married, I know exactly how my husband is going to touch me, I know how much he loves me and I’m not embarrassed to take my clothes off. There’s a comfort there that is important to me. 
It’s just not as exciting . . . the desire is lost. You go from being real careful around each other and being on your best behavior. Then, of course, you start to get comfortable with one another and that changes—your bad habits come out, your bad moods come out. 
That takes some of the desire away whereas when you are dating, it’s just so sexual and so amazing and so exciting . . . Desire dwindles as you become a couple.

Plus, nowadays, a happy sex life is not only considered an important part of marriage -- it's an obligation. The fact that you are expected (or even required) to make your partner sexually happy can be a daunting responsibility -- and frankly, a real buzz kill.  As one sex-weary young wife put it: 

“I just feel like I have to keep doing it, it’s like an obligation to me right now. Like, okay, it’s been a week. I need to give him sex or he’s going to be upset . . . ” 

The equating of a  happy marriage with hot marital sex is a cultural trend that became popular sometime around the turn of the last century. The Industrial Revolution eliminated many of the economic underpinnings of marital stability, and the "soul-mate" marriage, based on friendship and successful shagging, was created to take its place. Given our almost 50% divorce rate, some would argue, the success of this social "experiment" is debatable.

Familiarity Breeds Contempt

The second issue that the women complained about was over-familiarity. Many of the women lamented the loss of romance from the marital bedroom. But it was the romance of early love, the pre-relationship dating days with all of their novelty, anticipation, and uncertainty that they longed for the most. You know the old saying "familiarity breeds contempt", well this is never more apparent than in the bedroom. One of the biggest buzz kills of all is doing the same thing, the same way, every time. And some men (and women as well) are like Pavlov's dog, once they learn a new trick, they repeat it -- over and over again -- ad nauseum.

Many women talked about how they could predict exactly what their honey would do next, and in what order. Kind of like their husbands had a mental checklist that they were marking off on their way to the grand finale. There is a biological reason that this would be a huge turn-off.

Desire is fueled by the neurotransmitter dopamine, which rises in response to novelty and anticipation. If you know exactly what is going to happen next, your brain (and other body parts), says "why bother?".

The women were also dismayed by their husbands ability to go from watching American Idol to grabbing a boob and hoping to get some action. Though oddly that kind of spontaneous, caveman behavior might have been a real panty-soaker earlier in the relationship. According to an exasperated 33-year-old:

One of the things we have spoken about and is really confusing to him, is things like grabbing me, touching me would really get me excited and then suddenly doing the very same things now completely turn me off. I have told him you cannot go and just grab my breasts like that anymore—It no longer turns me on—You just gotta stop.

De-sexualized Roles

This one was a no-brainer. You work a double-shift, there isn't much left for anything else. Most of the women spoke of being absolutely depleted by their to-do list. And sex didn't have a high priority on that list. Plus, many felt that there was an incompatibility between the role of "mom" and the role of "vixen". After spending all day wiping noses and counter tops, transitioning into a night-time passion puss wasn't easy to do. And some women simply didn't have the energy after working at a job and then coming home to another one. Plus, for mothers of small children, the constant tactile demands of caring for a child left them feeling "overtouched" -- on sensory overload -- and not in the mood for more skin to skin contact.

My Thoughts

I thought the article was fascinating to read. The authors brought up some interesting points regarding the nature of female desire -- one was the importance of novelty and transgression -- contrary to popular stereotype, it's not just about intimacy and safety. I have often thought that female desire, more so than male, is actually very contingent on a kind of arousing ambivalence -- a feeling of being slightly off-kilter -- but in a manageable way. As the authors pointed out, too much ambivalence and you are likely to feel too anxious, too little, and you're bored.

I think a lot of this stems from the way that women are socialized to view sex and love. I don't think that it is surprising that it is the rush of early romantic love that is such a sexual thrill. Most of us are are raised to romanticize sex. We wanted to be wanted -- often, more than anything. We fantasize that we are the object of some hot stud's desire (Fifty Shades of Grey, anyone). But, in being the object, paradoxically, we assume power. The rape fantasy is really all about being desired, it is NOT about being defeated or abused.

But there are real problems with this approach. It puts a woman in a passive position where she is not the driver of her sexuality. Often, female desire is divorced from the body and experienced in a relationship based way only. Women are not told about their anatomy, masturbate less than men, and have sex that is based on what works for men. Only 29% of women always have an orgasm during sex, in comparison to 75% of men. I couldn't help but think, while reading this article, that if more of these women found sex physically gratifying, they might not be so hung up on romance. And they might not regard sex as such a boring chore -- akin to taking out the garbage either.

What can be done to turn more women on? I don't know, but our current approach sure isn't working. Socializing women to be passive doesn't work in the long run. And the idea that life-long love means nonstop, smokin' sex is probably not realistic. Maybe if we could realize that, we wouldn't be so obsessed with trying to sex it up. If we could just lighten up about sex -- see it as adult play perhaps-- we would be better off. But, sadly, given all the heavy energy surrounding the whole issue of sexuality that is not an easy thing to do.

Catherine the Great: Did the Empress Really Die From Doing Her Horse?

Catherine the Great and horse

Catherine the Great was a woman of unbridled sexual passion, according to Tony Perrottet's hilarious little book on history's most tawdry sexual scandals, Napoleon's Privates. And one unsavory rumor has it that her sexual habits killed her. That is, her supposed passion for horse dick.

According to legend, the queen, a talented horsewoman, died from bonking a stallion. This rumor, which appeared soon after her death in 1796, claimed the empress while in flagrante delicto with a horsey stud ended up flat as pancake when the massive creature fell on her!

The mechanics of this tryst  (and you know this would have had to have been well-planned to actually work) had depended on her servants using pulleys to lower the horse onto the frisky queen. Unfortunately, the ropes broke, sending the 67 year-old to her untimely death. Or, so the story went...

Perrottet claims the whole incident was made-up bullshit born out of myogynistic jealousy of a strong-willed woman who refused to stay in her place. Supposedly, she really died in a far less impressive manner -- by a stroke (some say on the toilet, which the rather overweight queen allegedly broke on her way out, but that's a rumor Perrottet doesn't mention).

But the rumors continued to swirl even after her death, and they were nothing new. The beautiful, feisty queen had scandalized Europe since her twenties when she made no secret of her enjoyment of virile young men. And apparently she went through them like some of us change our underwear. The queen would have her ladies-in-waiting test out potential lovers and pick an appropriate candidate to be the empress's new vremenshchiki which translates into "men of the moment". Old Catherine continued to be a champion "manizer" well into her later years - wearing out studs right and left.

The horsey part of this story seems to be mostly connected to her talents as an equestrian, and some English travel writer's tawdry claim that Russian peasants liked horse sodomy. Also, some allege that Catherine referred to her harem of available beefcake as "studs", hence, "the equine fable".

Ashley Judd and Woman Hatred

ashley judd
I just finished reading Ashley Judd's article in the Daily Beast. And I had to blog about it. For those who haven't heard, there has been a lot of media speculation over the last few weeks that she has had plastic surgery -- largely due to a TV appearance she made with a puffy face.

She finally answered her critics, not only by denying surgery (she says she was on steroids for a cold), but by pointing out that discussions like this are a load of sexist crap. I loved, loved, loved her statements. She writes:

"...the recent speculation and accusations in March feel different, and my colleagues and friends encouraged me to know what was being said. Consequently, I choose to address it because the conversation was pointedly nasty, gendered, and misogynistic and embodies what all girls and women in our culture, to a greater or lesser degree, endure every day, in ways both outrageous and subtle. The assault on our body image, the hypersexualization of girls and women and subsequent degradation of our sexuality as we walk through the decades, and the general incessant objectification is what this conversation allegedly about my face is really about."
And again:
 "The Conversation about women’s bodies exists largely outside of us, while it is also directed at (and marketed to) us, and used to define and control us. The Conversation about women happens everywhere, publicly and privately. We are described and detailed, our faces and bodies analyzed and picked apart, our worth ascertained and ascribed based on the reduction of personhood to simple physical objectification. Our voices, our personhood, our potential, and our accomplishments are regularly minimized and muted."
In other words, it's not only nobody's damn business what she does with her face, but why do we continually subject women to this kind of scrutiny? I can't read any kind of magazine, watch TV, or read comments online without there being some kind of reference to how a woman in the public eye looks.

Judd turned it around and rightly asked why her face was such a topic of conversation anyway. We don't do this to men. Men aren't judged solely by how fuckable they are. When was the last time you saw an article dissecting Johnny Depp's face and whether or not it was "new and improved"? And that is what this whole thing is about in a nutshell --that a woman's primary value is limited to how she looks; how fuckable she is to men. If you aren't a fuckable female, you are useless waste of  DNA. If you don't believe me (or Judd) scroll down the page of the Daily Beast article and check out the vitriolic comments about Judd from a troll who calls himself/herself "AshleyJuddisOLDandFat".

I don't know whether or not Judd has had surgery, and frankly, it isn't any of my business. What I do know is that her comments are right on. Focusing on a woman's appearance minimizes her as a person. It makes it more difficult for all women to be taken seriously professionally, personally, and politically. If women are just eye candy than it's okay to control their reproductive freedom, pay them less money, and beat them silly.

The insanity needs to end.


Vintage Sex Toys

vintage sex toys

Human beings have always had a fondness for sex toys. A few years ago, researchers in Germany dug up what is surely one of the world's oldest dildos-- a full eight inches of siltstone love for some prehistoric ancestor's happy orifice. You can check out my post Female Self-Loving and the Dildo: A Short Pleasurable History for more info. This short video from the Kinsey Institute contains some very old "sex toys". I put the term in parenthesis because many of them look more like bawdy party favors (similar to our modern equivalent the penis shaped ice cube tray, which I am sure you all have, right?), than actual devices for sexual stimulation. 

We have come a long way since most of these gadgets were invented. We now have toys that will vibrate, shake, stir, suck, squeeze, and penetrate all of your erogenous zones, at the same time, in short order. And some are pretty pricey too. In 2010, a talented French jeweler released a white gold dildo that had an 18 carat diamond ring mounted inside of it. This fancy dick was sold at Maison Victor for a mere 59, 154 dollars (40,000 euro) and was designed "...for rich people who want to declare their love in a special way," according to the manager at Maison Victor.

 Oh, to be that rich and that horny...

Scared Sexless Yet?

This short video deals with our insane cultural attitudes about sex. Our society is so dichotomized about this issue. On one hand, the most searched term on the internet is "sex", pornography brings in billions of dollars a year in revenue, and yet abstinence based sex ed has been the rule for years, vibrators are illegal in some states (sadly, I happen to live in one), and politicians want to plan your family for you. The importance of sex is blown way out of proportion by the mass media, and reflects our cultural hysteria around sexuality. The more something is repressed in our unconscious (Freud 101, here), the more preoccupied we are by it. The technical term for this is erotophobia, and it seems like everybody has it in one form or another.

One of my favorite examples of this trend was the case of Joanne Webb, the Texas homemaker and former school teacher, who was arrested in 2004 for selling vibrators at a Passion Party ( kind like a Tupperware party but with dildos). Her story was featured in the great documentary Passion and Power: The Technology of Orgasm. When her attorney Beann Sisemore tried to discuss the ridiculousness of this case with the legal authorities involved, she jokingly asked, "What's the deal with the war on the clitorises?" The guy involved with the case looked up, dumbfounded, and hastily replied that he wasn't going to arrest the "clitorises" just Joanne Webb.  Frankly, I think that about sums it up in a nutshell.

Ecstasy: The First Female Orgasm in Film

first female orgasm in film

Well, happy Valentine's Day! I thought I would celebrate this sexy holiday with the movie that purportedly has the first female orgasm in film history, Ecstasy. This 1933 Czech film turned largely unknown actress Heddy Lamarr into a sensation.

Not only was the gorgeous Heddy naked but writhing in ecstasy, hence the title. The movie's love scene (for those who don't want to watch the film all the way through, and you know who you are) starts at 45:32. You would miss a lot fast forwarding though.

The entire movie is rather entertaining (if largely silent). It revolves around a beautiful young woman who marries a much older, impotent husband. On their wedding night, she hopes to have sex, apparently he doesn't (or can't). Our young heroine soon becomes very depressed (as many would) and longs for erotic fulfillment. She finds it in form of a gorgeous (we're talking major man candy here) young officer. The movie has a sensuous, languid feel. Scenes take a long time to build, and the actors convey most of their emotions through their faces. Interestingly, the first female orgasm seems to take place through oral sex.

The movie's content  (skinny dipping, adultery, sexually frustrated women, and implied cunnilingus) created an avalanche of controversy, leading to its tagline of "The Most Talked About Picture in the World". It was banned in the U.S and was one of the factors leading to the infamous Hays Code that basically stripped sex from American cinema for about 30 years. Here is the entire move.

Happy Valentine's Day xoxo!

Some Points on Handling a Clitoris

clitoris

I have been enjoying some of the articles and videos at then New School of Erotic Touch. This is a great website that provides specific information on how to pleasure yourself and your partner. Seriously, their videos Fire in the Valley and The Best of Vulva Massage are among the best I have seen on how to manually stimulate a woman's genitals. And they are a rare thing online.

The internet is kind of like a big, virtual Wild West, and much of what you come across has dubious value. There are way too many websites out there purporting to teach THE SECRET TO THE FEMALE ORGASM, or HOW TO MAKE A GIRL CUM IN THREE EASY STEPS  -- all claiming that if you just follow said paint-by-numbers approach, you (or your partner) will cum your face off.  Sadly, this isn't the case.

So, I decided to come up with my own points for clitoral play. These pointers are mainly for performing clitoral stimulation on a partner, but they work for solo sex as well.

1. Sorry, there is no secret formula. What floats my boat may not float Susie's down the street.   There isn't one specific skill or technique that will work for every woman. Women are not cars; so, there are no manuals that will teach you Pussy 101 in three easy steps. You will have to get over your lock jaw and ask some pertinent questions. Such as "How would you like to be touched?" Be prepared to seek feedback. And women, you should be willing and able to provide it (i.e., do some hands-on exploration of your own terrain).

With that being said, the goal of clitoral stimulation should be about pleasuring your partner, not getting her off so you can feel like a stud or studette. Many women are not easily orgasmic when they are not in the driver's seat, which is one of the reasons that women climax more often from masturbation. Don't be offended if she needs to do her own stimulation or use a vibe.

2. Most of the time you will want to include some lubricant. In some cases, thanks to scintillating personal charm, good hands, or a talented tongue the woman in question may produce her own. But don't count on it.  Particularly, if you are over forty. Use a good water based lube around the external genitals as a buffer for those 8,000 plus nerve endings.

3. Stimulating the clitoris does not mean touching the glans directly. Most women rub around the clitoris. I have never liked to have the clitoris touched directly. I find the most erotic spot is above the clitoris on the right side. Many women enjoy stimulating the shaft rather than the head of the clitoris. Check out 3D Vulva to understand the various parts of the clitoris. But to reiterate my point, there are women who do like direct clitoral stimulation -- once again, it's about asking.

4. I think learning to play the clitoris is like learning a musical instrument. It's about repetition and rhythm. While variety is the spice of life, you have to be able to repeat the same pattern with some variation. I think a lot of people either are too repetitive, or they vary the stimulation way too much. It is about finding a balance, and it involves asking questions about what is working and what isn't for that particular person.

5. With all the yammering on about the G spot there hasn't been a lot of consideration for the other erotic spots on the external female genitals. Rubbing along the sides of the vulva feels divine because it stimulates the crura (the legs of the clitoris). The clitoris is a far larger organ that most people think, and much of its erectile tissue extends inside the body and surrounds the vagina.

So, stroke the perineum (the taint) and pull the vaginal lips. There's tons of nerve endings in the labia (which is sadly considered disposable window dressing by women seeking labiaplasty). Get creative, trying licking, taping, pulling, tugging, rubbing and vibrating. Odds on, she will find something that floats her boat.

6. I would never recommend any kind of vaginal or anal stimulation unless a woman has been aroused by clitoral play first. And then I wouldn't recommend stopping clitoral stimulation unless she has orgasmed. For many women, arousal will drop if the clitoris is taken out of the equation. So, that means that some form of clitoral stimulation should continue during intercourse -- unless she is vaginally orgasmic (only 30% of women are).

7. I think for many women developing an erotic fantasy life is necessary for orgasmic sex. Recently, I suggested to a friend who wasn't that familiar with erotica the classic Delta of Venus by Anais Nin. She is still thanking me weeks later. My friend is in her 60s, and she and her boyfriend (also in his 60s) had some extremely HOT sex. A very sexy read. Female friendly porn like Candida Royalle and Tony Comstock is also a good idea to learn what turns you on. If you are more conservative, you could try the old female standby the romance novel.