Hi all, I would like to introduce a new addition to Lilith Land. I am pleased to have Dr. Joel Block as our guest blogger this week.
Dr. Block is an award winning, board certified psychologist and sex therapist based in Long Island. He is the author of numerous books and articles related to relationships and human sexuality including: The Marriage-Work Connection, Broken Promises, Mended Hearts, and Sex Comes First. He has written a new ebook on erectile dysfunction called Mind Over ED. Here is an article he has written on erectile dysfunction with some tips to help women deal with their partner's ED.
By Dr. Joel Block PhD
“Don’t take your erections or your potency for granted is the message men need to hear around their fortieth birthday, ” says Gene who recently celebrated his fiftieth birthday. He began to have some erectile difficulties about a decade ago.
“I wasn’t getting hard enough often enough and I wasn’t staying hard enough,” he says succinctly. “
I knew that some change was inevitable, but I was experiencing too much change. I had the sexual responses of a man 20 years my senior."
“At about the same time I developed erection problems, my doctor told me I had mild hypertension. He said I had two choices: Go on medication: or lose 20 pounds, start exercising regularly, make some dietary changes, and stop smoking. Initially I took the easy way out. I went for the pills. The erection situation got a little worse. My wife was unhappy, and so was I."
“One night we had a big argument that ended with her crying and accusing me of cheating her out of a sex life. She said my potbelly wasn’t attractive. That hurt. She also said she was worried about me. Would I cut my life short the same way I’d cut our sex life short? The next day I ordered a treadmill. It wasn’t easy to make all the changes I had to make, and I backpedaled a few times in the early months. But I lost the weight, quit smoking, and generally cleaned up my act."
“The erection situation improved a great deal. I’ll never get as rock hard as I did when I was twenty, but, on the other hand, I have better erections at 50 than I was getting at 40. I’ve also learned how to be a better lover. When I look at some of my friends who are overweight, smoking, and popping pills for hypertension, I know they aren’t getting erections. I’d like to talk to them about it, but that’s not the kind of thing men do.”
A healthier lifestyle will most likely lead to healthier erections, but any man can expect to lose an erection during lovemaking on occasion. If he doesn’t let that bother him, he’ll likely get it back. The worst thing you can do about a subsiding erection is focus on it.
For women if your partner is experiencing ED, whether physical or emotional in origin, you can respond in a way that will increase his chances of regaining or obtaining an erection. Here are some tips:
1. If he loses an erection during lovemaking, let it go. Unless he requests or indicates by his behavior that he wants you to perform fellatio or manually stimulate his penis to try to bring the erection back— don't. Focusing on his limp penis probably won't help and may hurt by intensifying his performance anxiety. Hold him. Kiss and stroke him, but ignore his penis. You don't have to prove your desirability by bringing his penis back to erotic life.
2. Ask for oral sex or manual stimulation. Such a request will take the focus off his penis and give him the opportunity to feel like a good lover. Be responsive to his ministrations. A woman's arousal is very arousing to a man. It's possible that he'll regain his erection by losing himself in your excitement.
3. Don't be solicitous. Show your understanding by not fussing over him. If he's feeling inadequate, don't tell him his lack of erection isn't important. A man who has been sexually humiliated doesn't want his wife saying, "Don't worry, darling, it doesn't matter."
4. Don't blame yourself. And don't let him blame you. Even if his ED is rooted in relationship conflict, you are not the cause of the problem. Sex is a cooperative effort. So is relating. After an erectile failure, however, is not the right time to analyze your relationship. If all else fails, direct your man to a competent ED wellness program like the one found at