Sorry folks, I have been such a no-show. Once again, I am caught in dissertation hell. I hope everyone is having a good time finding that perfect gift for their friends and family. Frankly, I am not doing so great on that end either. I hate Christmas, bah, humbug! The traffic, the agony of gift giving (and gift receiving...God, more socks!!), those long ass lines. Ugh. I found this video and decided to post it to lighten my fucked up mood -- and possibly yours. Here is how NOT  to be an enlightened parent.

Okay picture this, you're a kid in the privacy of your own room getting down with your bad self. Mid-wank session --who should walk in but Mom -- in all her Stepford mom glory. MOTHERS DO NOT DO THIS TO YOUR HORNY OFFSPRING!

In this unintentionally hilarious (and serious) sex ed video, Mom sticks around to lecture the kid (in a sex positive way) on masturbation -- right before he blows a load. Oh, she means well, but her timing is all wrong. Only one time did my mother accidentally walk in on me, and she had the good sense to turn around and walk out! Mid-wank is not the time to have a heart to heart sex talk. This is one of the weirdest sex ed videos from the 1970s. Obviously, this mother has read too many child development books without really absorbing the information. In real life, start talking about sex early and in the proper context.


 

china and sex toys
Thanksgiving may be an American holiday, but the Chinese have a good reason to be thankful anyway.  Seems that sex toys have become a hot ticket item on the Chinese market. According to a Reuters article, sex toys can be found all over China -- in "adult health shops", hotels, and even convenience stores. The market is huge and GROWING; they're projecting sales revenue in the range of 6.4 billion in the next few years -- and that's a lot of batteries! According to online retailer Lin DeGang, proprietor of  www.oyeah.com.cn, "Within five years, sex toys will be a common commodity for everyday use... a key element of a fashionable lifestyle." 

Strike one for Chinese women!

Most of us who use these toys know that they remove some of the labor involved in pleasure. And some of us can't get there any other way. I am glad to see China moving away from sexual repression and, apparently, developing a more enlightened attitude toward women. In a study I read on sexual gratification in 27,500 men and women in 29 countries, there was a strong association between the degree of male domination in a country and sexual satisfaction in men and women. The more patriarchal the society, the more nobody was getting off. Sadly, societies like China, Japan, and Taiwan were at the bottom of the heap in regards to sexual pleasure. This study was conducted in 2006, so maybe, at least for the Chinese, there have been some improvements.

I didn't start getting into toy usage until I was in my late 30s. Over the last few years, I have been battling low DHEA brought about by adrenal problems. I lost the ability to manually orgasm for awhile (I have it back now). Thankfully, I could still get off by vibe. It is so ridiculous that some American states continue to ban sex toys. Every person on the planet has the right to experience sexual pleasure in a way that works for them as long as they are not hurting anyone in the process. Anyway, I hope everyone has a happy (and buzzy) Thanksgiving!

xoxo - Lilith

I saw this made for TV film as a child, and it scared the bejesus out of me! Yes, I was indeed a wussy kid lol. But it was really scary in a Rosemary's Baby kind of way. Satan's School for Girls was made in 1973 and is considered to be one of the most memorable TV movies from the 1970s, according to the New York Times.

It starred a  pre-Charlie's Angels Kate Jackson, and Cheryl Ladd back when they were young and back when they actually made half-way decent TV movies. The film revolves around devilish mayhem at a girl's school, and I think they remade the movie a few years ago. But this is the original. I thought I would show this to send Gen Xers (and others) on a Halloween nostalgia trip. Happy Trick or Treating from Lilith Land!

dr.block
Hi all, I would like to introduce a new addition to Lilith Land. I am pleased to have Dr. Joel Block as our guest blogger this week. Dr. Block is an award winning, board certified psychologist and sex therapist based in Long Island. He is the author of numerous books and articles related to relationships and human sexuality including: The Marriage-Work Connection, Broken Promises, Mended Hearts, and Sex Comes First. He has written a new ebook on erectile dysfunction called Mind Over ED. Here is an article he has written on erectile dysfunction with some tips to help women deal with their partner's ED.  

- Lilith 

By Dr. Joel Block PhD

erectile dysfunction
 “Don’t take your erections or your potency for granted is the message men need to hear around their fortieth birthday,” says Gene who recently celebrated his fiftieth birthday. He began to have some erectile difficulties about a decade ago. “I wasn’t getting hard enough often enough and I wasn’t staying hard enough,” he says succinctly. “I knew that some change was inevitable, but I was experiencing too much change. I had the sexual responses of a man 20 years my senior."
       
“At about the same time I developed erection problems, my doctor told me I had mild hypertension. He said I had two choices: Go on medication: or lose 20 pounds, start exercising regularly, make some dietary changes, and stop smoking. Initially I took the easy way out. I went for the pills. The erection situation got a little worse. My wife was unhappy, and so was I."

 “One night we had a big argument that ended with her crying and accusing me of cheating her out of a sex life. She said my potbelly wasn’t attractive. That hurt. She also said she was worried about me. Would I cut my life short the same way I’d cut our sex life short? The next day I ordered a treadmill. It wasn’t easy to make all the changes I had to make, and I backpedaled a few times in the early months. But I lost the weight, quit smoking, and generally cleaned up my act." 

 “The erection situation improved a great deal. I’ll never get as rock hard as I did when I was twenty, but, on the other hand, I have better erections at 50 than I was getting at 40. I’ve also learned how to be a better lover. When I look at some of my friends who are overweight, smoking, and popping pills for hypertension, I know they aren’t getting erections. I’d like to talk to them about it, but that’s not the kind of thing men do.”

A healthier lifestyle will most likely lead to healthier erections, but any man can expect to lose an erection during lovemaking on occasion. If he doesn’t let that bother him, he’ll likely get it back. The worst thing you can do about a subsiding erection is focus on it. 

For women if your partner is experiencing ED, whether physical or emotional in origin, you can respond in a way that will increase his chances of regaining or obtaining an erection. Here are some tips:

1. If he loses an erection during lovemaking, let it go. Unless he requests or indicates by his behavior that he wants you to perform fellatio or manually stimulate his penis to try to bring the erection back— don't. Focusing on his limp penis probably won't help and may hurt by intensifying his performance anxiety. Hold him. Kiss and stroke him, but ignore his penis. You don't have to prove your desirability by bringing his penis back to erotic life.

2. Ask for oral sex or manual stimulation. Such a request will take the focus off his penis and give him the  opportunity to feel like a good lover. Be responsive to his ministrations. A woman's arousal is very arousing to a man. It's possible that he'll regain his erection by losing himself in your excitement.

3. Don't be solicitous. Show your understanding by not fussing over him. If he's feeling inadequate, don't tell him his lack of erection isn't important. A man who has been sexually humiliated doesn't want his wife saying, "Don't worry, darling, it doesn't matter."

4. Don't blame yourself. And don't let him blame you. Even if his ED is rooted in relationship conflict, you are not the cause of the problem. Sex is a cooperative effort. So is relating. After an erectile failure, however, is not the right time to analyze your relationship. If all else fails, direct your man to a competent ED wellness program like the one found at www.MindoverED.com
       

In the 19th century a series of poems written by Coventry Patmore titled The Angel in the House celebrated the Victorian wife who lived only to serve others. She was gentle, maternal, and self-sacrificing -- in other words, a  real doormat. But if you think she went out with whale boned corsets and absinthe, you are sadly mistaken. Most women are still raised with the idea that they are supposed to sacrifice themselves for others. We are still raised to be "nice" girls who don't make waves.

I know the "angel" well in my own life. She shows up when I least expect it and generally makes me second guess myself and feel guilty. If I was appropriately assertive, I worried that I had been selfish and overbearing. If I said no, I agonized over whether I should have said yes. The "angel" is like a specter that won't die no matter how many times you try to kill the wimpy bitch. Think Friday the 13th with wings here. Literary icon Virginia Woolf knew this all to well when she wrote of her own battles with the angel in  The Death of the Moth and Other Essays:

passion
Hi everybody, I didn't mean to stay gone for so long. It has been a busy few weeks for me. I was hellbent on getting my proposal submitted last term, but sadly no cigar. Oh, I finished it alright, and the chair of my dissertation found more I needed to work on. (Sigh). So very close...

When I started my dissertation hours, the required text that we used was called Surviving Your Dissertation. Now, I understand why it was called that. And I would like to propose a title change for this fine book -- how 'bout calling it to Surviving Your Dissertation With All Your Hair Intact.

I have a lot of hair. Thick and long, and if this project goes on much longer, I'm not sure about its future. Right now, I am really feeling burned out. Some days I question whether I should have gone this route. Whether pursuing my PhD at this age was such a good idea. It has been a very long, tiring, expensive, road. I have had a lot of challenges thrown my way, medical, financial, and personal. The last of which was my father's death in March. But then I remember the fire in the belly...

When I finished my masters (in counseling), my initial goal was to work as a therapist, which I did for a number of years. I didn't make much money (you don't at the masters level) but that wasn't the real issue. The real issue was that I didn't feel a fire in the belly for my occupation.

When I was doing my counseling internship, another intern and I were talking about what personal characteristics were needed for this line of work. He had a more of an understanding of what was needed than I did -- his wife was a counselor -- and he kept saying, "you have to have a fire in the belly for this job". What he was talking about was passion. Real passion -- an absolute love of the job. Counseling is intense work. Often stressful and challenging, and you simply have to feel a magnetic pull toward the helping profession in order to do it right. At least that is what I think.

I didn't know if I had that kind of dedication. Even then. As an undergrad, I had been absolutely smitten with the social sciences -- psychology, sociology, anthropology. But what I was most drawn to was social or cultural psychology, not clinical or counseling. But it wasn't as practical. It didn't feel practical to me anyway. So, I went for counseling instead of social psych. I chose what was practical. And I wasn't happy.

 But I am an idealist when it comes to work. Some would say I am impractical. I would like to believe that you can do what you love and make money doing it; that there is a feasible way to make your passion something that you can live on.  Given the state of our economy that may sound risky, or possibly crazy to some people. Many people right now are just glad to have any job at all, even one that sucks.

But I'm not so sure. Jobs are going left and right, and there is no security anymore.  I am not sure the old rules that governed what was smart and what was risky really apply anymore. It's all risky.

Life is one big risk.

When I started work on this dissertation, I felt alive. Excited. I loved reading about my topic, and I kept coming up with more interesting ideas to investigate. I love to analyze people, social norms, and cultures. And I was tired of worrying about whether this was a practical pursuit or not. I had done the practical thing, and it didn't work out.

I have to admit, though, that the relentless anal retentiveness of academic research can be a real headache. And I think I really prefer writing for a general reader. I am still in love with my project, but it is a little like what happens in a relationship with another person. The glamour fades, and the work begins. So, I have to plow my way through the less appealing elements of my project, which includes making sure my I have my references in the correct alphabetical order and my titles are italicized. Argh.

But passion -- real passion -- is worth hanging on to. Whether it is love for a person, love for your artwork, or love for pushing your limits. So, here I sit dotting my "I's" and crossing my "Ts". Hanging on to my fire. And hoping I don't burn out in the process...

marilyn and liz
Marilyn Monroe was a legend, an iconic beauty, and a lesbian? That's the word on the street anyway. Marilyn has been dead for almost 50 years, and she is still making headlines. The fiftieth anniversary of her death is coming up on August 5th. And there have been some new biographies to commemorate the event. One book,  Marilyn Monroe: Private And Undisclosed, by Michelle Morgan asserts that many of the blonde beauty's problems stemmed from the fact that she was a closet lesbian.


 According to Morgan, Marilyn had affairs with numerous Hollywood stars -- everyone from Marlene Dietrich to, get this, a onetime hook up with Elizabeth Taylor (I'm sure some of you would love to have been a fly on the wall when that tryst was going on...). And she also bedded her female acting coach. The author interviewed actress Celeste Holm who said that Marilyn's endometriosis (which can cause sexual pain, in some cases) made it difficult to enjoy intercourse with a man. In general, it was alleged that she preferred her own sex. 


I don't know whether Marilyn was gay or not. Some of the new books argue that Marilyn may have been tortured by that question. But sexual identity tends to be far more fluid in women than in men. One of my best friends is a fairly set-in-her-preferences lesbian, but even she started out her sexual life with a man. Some women start out straight, go gay, and go back straight again (ala Julie Cypher, Melissa Etheridge's ex) and vice versa. 


 Marilyn may have been gay, or, like a lot of other women, she may have regarded the gender of her lover  as less important than who he or she was as a person. I think it is hard to make blanket statements about sexuality -- particularly female sexuality. I can certainly understand her confusion over the issue though, given the era and her status as a heterosexual love goddess. 


I found this video on other historical figures who were alleged to have been gay, and I agree with the ending tagline: it's not about who you sleep with, but what you do. 


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About Me

About Me
Hi, I am a single, graduate student who is finishing up her doctoral dissertation on the subject of female sexual dysfunction (FSD) and sexual satisfaction.

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